4mg of Estradiol

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Julia

I went to four milligrams of estradiol this week.  It has been what I can only label as interesting.  I’ve had trouble sleeping and my emotions have been all over the place.  Mainly I’ve been struggling with loneliness, sadness, and a feeling of loss that is hard to put into words.

That being said, I think… I think I’m getting on top of what has felt like a massive influx of stronger feelings.  It almost feels like a new peace… a new sense of calm may be setting in, but I’ll give it a few days before I make that call.

One thing did happen today that kind of blew my mind.  I was wearing a t-shirt, and my newest pair of pants which are capri length cargo pants, and I had my hair being kept back by a hair band that was resting right behind my ears… and I saw myself in a mirror… and I saw my smile ( I was going to go jump in the pool ), and it just blew me away how much of a different person I now am.

I NEVER looked at myself in a mirror before transitioning, except for grooming… it is amazing how things change.

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I’m not dead yet!

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Julia

Hey, I’m still alive and kicking.  Some days are difficult… but such is life.  The only thing really keeping me going is my corgi and my cat… and soon the local support group which I’ll be running.  I’ve been finding my cat sleeping on my leg, next to my arm, and even  next to my head at times as of recent.  At one point she used to tolerate being a catpillow, but no longer!

I found out what I need to do about my passport.  I’m going to wait another week or so since I just got laser, and have a new photo taken since my hair is looking even longer now.  I’ve got a whole stack of paper to mail off with form DS-5504 addressed to the Customer Service Manager for Changes, and hopefully they will accept it.

On the even more depressing news front, I’m giving up hope of rekindling any sort of relationship with my ex-wife.  I really don’t want to go into it on a public forum, in fact not even in a private forum, but the bottom line is that we both grew and changed in different ways until we were no longer compatible… regardless of how much we wished we were.  The strength of our love made things all that much worse, but if you truly love someone, you have to set them free.

And now to start off the morning… Rage Against The Machine – “Wake Up”

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depression

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Julia

I swear that my depression is like a reverse bell curve…

Before I started to deal with my issues, my depression was extremely bad.  As I headed into transition, it declined to nearly nothing.  As things have moved onward, progressed, gone to fucking hell, and settled into… frankly… a rather depressing life, my depression is getting worse and worse.

I’m starting to wonder if I need some new anti-depressants or something…. because this is NOT good.  It might be kind of situational, I need closure or a path forward.  I can’t live in limbo.

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One Year!

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Julia

One year ago today, I began this journey.  I applied a Climara 50 patch to my upper right leg approaching my hip, and haven’t looked back.  I remember curling up slightly worried what would happen as I began to get a migraine as the estradiol hit my brain, and on some fronts I never could have imagined the loss, but…. I knew it was the only choice I had.

So to review, in no particular order, the changes over the last year.

Pluses:

  • A cup breasts
  • Softer skin
  • Thinner body hair
  • Happier scalp hair
  • I has some fat on my hips.
  • OMG I have a butt!
  • I’m treated as a woman!
  • A sense of contentment and happiness that I’ve never known before.
  • I lost privilege which is a plus… and minus.
  • I actually smile now!

The minuses:

  • My marriage failed.
  • I have no relationship with some of my family now.
  • I lost privilege.
  • I spend lots of time feeling lonely, and soon afterwards sad.
  • I have weird dreams now.
  • Being mis-gendered REALLY REALLY messes with my head.

I hate to say it, and I know this sounds horrible, but the pluses outweigh the minuses any day of the week.  The bottom line is that I’m happier then I’ve ever been before in my life. Its great not to feel major depression every minute of the day, to feel at complete at odds with your body, to hate your appearance, and to try and force yourself to smile every day.  It is great to not sit and think about wanting to die because of how much of a chasm existed between my body and my mind.  Would I go down this path again knowing what I know now… In a heartbeat.  Would I have made some changes along the way, absolutely, but I can’t change those things, and there is no reason to dwell in the past.

So, now begins what, by all regards will still be a difficult year ahead of me, but there are positive things on that road.  One thing I’m expecting to do in the next month or two is rename this blog.  In any event, as you all know… Comments, Questions, and anything else is welcome.

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Blending in

Posted on April 28, 2013 by Julia

I don’t pass perfectly, but things are getting a lot easier.  I got up this morning, looked in the mirror, and was amazed how much more of “me” that I see in my face now.  I didn’t shave, and I went to the MARKET. OMG!

Of course, I didn’t shower either, but I’m definitely becoming more comfortable which is totally a major plus, and in a sense it kind of reminds me of back when my face started to change and I would look in the mirror and smile.

The other thing that I’ve noticed as of recent is that I’m getting “ma’am” much more now, without any hesitation from people.  That has just made my day over and over as of recent.

I guess its nice to have some positives counter balances in life right now.  This past month has been one of the more expensive months due to unexpected expenses, and various other things popping up, meanwhile this next month is going to be the busiest.  On a plus, I got a trip to New York out of it, and I’m getting a trip to Atlanta soon out of it.

Coming up is also Debauchery, which means things are going to get very busy, but I’m looking forward to it.

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An overdue update and review, with positive movement!

Posted on April 21, 2013 by Julia

So the past few weeks have been very busy.  Besides… you know… being a geek and getting a secondary internet connection installed (which has been well worth it due to work and bandwidth needs), I also went ahead and had my evaluation for GRS.  Well, I passed that with flying colors of course, and I was also diagnosed with Aspergers.  Of course there was no big surprise there to me.

In the mean time while waiting for the letters, I did some things to live!  I decided that I finally had to brew ginger beer.  Its still brewing though… taking its sweet time.  I also managed to make it to New York and visit with some coworkers and my cousin.  Of course, there was also an Amazon Technical training class and the conference that we attended which was fun.  But after all of that, each night, there was plenty of enjoying alcohol and each other’s company.

I did manage to introduce both of my close coworkers to Devil’s Cut, which they both enjoyed greatly.  Of course, we did this in a bar in the east village, with each of us having Sake with dinner, and another drink before we each had two rounds of Devil’s Cut.  Needless to say, we walked around the east village and eventually found an all night diner  a little past 1 AM.  That being said, I have another style of cheesecake to try soon. Of course, I also saw my cousin, and have decided to stay off alcohol for a while.  Yeah, WAAAAY too many hangovers in a week.

 

After getting home from New York, in the evening, I was just hanging out in pajamas in a tank top in a very good mood, and I accidentally grazed one of my nipples.  That triggered this wave of happiness and contentment that I had never before experienced before.  Rinse and repeat four or five times, and I was very very very happy.  I ended up emailing a trans friend of mine and asking if this is something that they had experienced before and their response was “oh my god yes!”.

With all of that, and yesterday making my reservation of sorts for GRS, I’m in a really good mood.  I did get really sad last night reflecting upon everything, but I’m going to stay positive today.

Anyway, I need to go have breakfast, and get ready for my day.  Maybe actually warm up the ginger ale a little so fermentation speeds up… because you know… yum!

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I met my goal.

Posted on April 21, 2013 by Julia

One year ago I set the goal to be living full time as a woman by my 30th birthday.  I met that goal in November, and now I have a new target set on my 30th birthday.

My date for GRS has been set, on my 30th birthday of all things.  I’m happy, but it has been painful and difficult to get to this point.  Reflecting on the past year, I’m crying now and I was hoping for a bit of a longer post.  Perhaps tomorrow.

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